Ho Ho Ho
by obsidians
Summary: It's the TURKS Christmas party and Reno gets Elena a wildly inappropriate present. Rated M for subject matter. This is written for humour alone and involves no pairings.


I don't own FF7 or its characters and make no profit from writing these stories.

Some people like holidays more than others and some take it to the extreme. Elena was one of those when it came to Christmas.

To Reno: Christmas meant a two week off paid vacation. He didn't celebrate the season in any way, shape or form. He would go on vacation somewhere warm with sandy beaches, cheap booze and lots of pretty women, preferably with a topless or nude beach nearby to ogle them and hopefully seduce them.

To Rude: it meant he would go visit his grandmother, who in her mind's eye, he would forever be a lad of fourteen. She would make a grand fuss over her "Rudey" and endlessly pinch his cheeks.

Tseng would go to a secluded farmhouse rented under the name Nettie Hibblefarm, the need for the deception being the ever inquisitive Elena. Nettie was reputed to be a reclusive octogenarian who suffered dementia and he did nothing to disprove that rumour by wearing a long flannel nightgown and ruffled night cap as he went about his business.

Then there was Elena: the maniacal Christmas obsessed member of the TURKS. She spent the holidays wangling invitations to every holiday related event in town and even crashed those she couldn't get invitations for. Everywhere she went she brought a lot of cheer to spread around to the point people coming in contact with her needed a shot of insulin to balance themselves.

Everyone almost groaned out loud as the Christmas loving Elena bustled around the tree that she herself has all but ordered Rufus to supply for their headquarters. He silently delivered the largest one he could find without comment as Elena had browbeaten him into doing over the years.

She had supervised as her fellow agents reluctantly decorated it, adding traditional, though somewhat well used ornaments then added throwing stars, materia and other "cheerier" looking weapons to the bare patches as the TURKS didn't have much of a decorating budget. Even the angel on top of the tree looked suspiciously like a repurposed Sephiroth action figure in a white gown, with his one wing painted white and another one fashioned out of paper and added to his other side. A silver halo hovered over his head that had been fashioned out of a silver pipe clearer that went around his neck as if it was God's punishment noose for the man.

Then there was the alcohol-free party that she insisted they must have every year that was mindbogglingly dull and the men wished they would _all_ be sent on mission as she fluttered around them wearing a Santa hat and a sweater that read "this girl really loves Christmas" a fact she repeated several times.

Then was the same cheery Christmas music played on a loop at a hellish volumes and their normally sedate conference room looked like Christmas had vomited all over it. The men suffered in silence as they stoically wore their mandatory reindeer antler headsets and studiously avoided the abundant mistletoe hanging everywhere in hopes that Elena would capture Tseng's lips that year. However she only managed to press chaste kisses onto the cheeks of her co-workers, Tseng would have nothing to do with the tradition and ordered the other men under them to distract her from his own guarded movements. Of course there being four men to the one loan female, all of who weren't gay, they all ignored each other when someone accidentally stepped beneath one. It was every man for himself.

Rufus was in attendance and wondered how the petite women had managed to talk him into coming yet again.

The punch itself was a saccharine, diabetes inducing nightmare that the men suspected might have been peed into the punch bowl by jolly ol' Saint Nick himself after going all over the world eating cookies and delivering presents. It was like the fat bastard had dyed it red and, dumped cranberries on top and added candy canes to the sides of the bowl. With each glass, Elena seemed to go onto more of a sugar high as she offered endless toasts where the men pretended to drink their own glasses. In actual fact, they were dumping them into the nearby plants that seemed to writhe in their planters at their own sugar highs.

Finally it was time for the gift exchange.

Rufus offered up gift cards to the best equipped weapons store in town that were well received.

Reno thanked Elena for her chocolates, Tseng for the regulation tie he always gave him as a reminder that their uniform _included_ one and Rude for his alarm clock and foldable travel clothes iron.

Rude thanked Reno for his book that was titled "how to pick up women for dummies," Tseng for his regulation dark blue socks and Elena for her silver card holder, even if they certainly never carried cards in their line of work!

Rufus thanked Reno for his inflatable boob ball, Rude for his tasteful antique cufflink set, Elena for her towels and Tseng for his lounge outfit.

Tseng praised the hand knitted sweater that Elena had made for him, he dubiously thanked Reno for the thong underwear that read "Made to be Laid" and Rude for his gag gun lighter.

Then a smiling Elena turned to her own presents and thanked Tseng for her travel coffee mug, Rude for his poinsettia plant and then turned her attention to Reno's and blushed when it turned out to be a vibrator.

"It's the top of the line Rabbit Vibrator called the Bendies Bubbly and has a lifelike shaft and clit tickler with a pair of powerful multi-speed motors..." Reno enthused while the blushing woman held the vibrator, She had accidentally turned it on and the pink vibrator writhed and squirmed in her hand while the rabbit ears bumped lewdly against her fingertip. "Do you like it?" Reno asked her.

The vibrator was pink but she saw red and she responded by punching him out. Reno was out like a light before he hit the floor with all the dignity of a sack of wet cement.

Elena swanned out of there soon to go hit the Seventh Heaven Christmas party that Yuffie had accidently brought up before Elena, they had all been attempting to keep it a secret from her. The members of AVALANCHE had been warned to "be nice" as she was the most affable member of the TURKS. However Vincent had chosen not to attend that year, Elena got grope-y after some rum punches and had squeezed his ass the previous year and compared it to black silk wrapped around a pair of deliciously shaped granite apples gently cavorting side by side. Her love of Wutaian men was well known and he wanted no part of it.

Reno came to in the WRO infirmary, "what happened?" he asked Rude who sat beside him.

"Elena really cleaned your clock, it was all bang, zoom; out went the lights and you went dooooooown" Rude said. "I told you should have just gotten her earmuffs" he added with a smirk.

Tifa listened to Elena rave about Reno's horrible gift and had asked to see it and Elena had sheepishly fished it out of her bag.

Tifa offered to take it off of her hands, she knew good quality when she saw it and Cloud wasn't around that much to put out with the frequency she wanted him to. Reno certainly made someone's holiday more cheery.


End file.
